After my dad’s passing in 2015, I often would hide out in his office to escape the reality of what I was immersed in. Not only was I grieving the loss of someone who was such a GIANT in my life, but I had to deal with the cultural differences that I wasn’t 100% accustomed to, drama with his 22-year-old wife that lead to various legal disputes, and the realization that so many lives were now under my responsibility. I felt myself spiraling down into what could have easily been a very very deep, but functional depression. One day, an aggressive knock on my door changed everything.
knock, knock, knock, knock, knock
A well-spoken 3rdgrade student who was in the music program enthusiastically asked “Ms. Victoria, who’s going to teach us violin now?” I replied “Ms. XYZ didn’t come today? She’s your teacher now, she should have come today to give you lessons. I’ll find out what happened.” He replied “ok!”
At the time, I was in a constant battle about poor attendance with certain music teachers and they eventually left. Everything for a reason because the music staff TNVS has now is solid and I couldn’t be prouder.
The following week, I hear that same aggressive knock again… knock, knock, knock, knock, knock
“Ms Victoriaaaaa, Ms. XYZ didn’t come again! Who’s going to teach us now?” Aggravated again about the lack of professionalism of these teachers, I replied “I’m working on it, hopefully, they come next week for you.” With an exasperated sigh, he grudgingly accepted my excuse.
Like clockwork, I heard knock, knock, knock, knock, knock again the week after that.
“Ms. Victoria, Ms. XYZ isn’t coming anymore. You HAVE To give us lessons now!! Who else is going to teach us??” Now I’m the one was exasperated… “I can’t give you lessons, I’m busy. I’m going to find someone else to teach you instead.” He was not having it and I didn’t have any more excuses to give him.
The next day, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock…
I knew who it is before I even open the door. I’m out of patience and am about to yell at security for letting students come as they please so easily to my door when I am ambushed by him and 5 other students… All with their violin cases in hand. We will now refer to him as Mr. Ring Leader, who says to me in the most serious voice, “Ms. Victoria, we are ready for class. Are you going to teach us??”
Now let’s pause right there..… I had not given a music lesson since I was a teenager when my dad had a music school in Miami, so that’s about 10+ years out of the game. Even then, I was my dad’s assistant and he always lead the way on what I had to focus on with HIS students. On top of that, I had only 3 months of experience working with children prior to my dad’s passing and that was in an administrative capacity. NOT as a teacher! I was absolutely terrified of kids, teaching of any sort, and of giving music lessons. Before that, I was a full time massage therapist for 9 years in luxury hotels and enjoyed the solitude of helping others in peace and quiet. Kids were definitely NOT on my radar at all. I didn’t mind coming to TNVS from time to time to help my dad with whatever he needed, but even then, I always refused his offer to help him teach the music kids because of my fear. The job I had previously before his passing was an opportunity that I was approached with and accepted because I wanted to go back to the world of music in a way that I was comfortable doing so. Funny how life works, huh?
So back to the story….
Here I am faced with 6 students looking at me like I’m the one that holds the key to all their questions… Questions I KNOW I can’t answer. So, I fire off any excuse my fear-filled brain can think of without sounding like a complete jerk…
“But I don’t speak French.. I don’t know how to teach you in French.”
Mr. Ring Leader replied, “don’t worry, we’ll teach you French.”
“But Ms. XYZ is your teacher…”
He replied “she hasn’t been here for 3 weeks, she won’t be back for us anymore. We only have you now.”
“But.. But…” Sigh….. “Fine! Let’s go!”
So, we get to the classroom and they are all super excited. I’m about to pee in my pants.
Another student hands me his notebook full of notes from his summer camp lessons with my father. I see where they left off but I’m a total mess. I can’t think because the taste of my fear is so strong in the back of my throat. Mr. Ring Leader wasn’t having it and took it upon himself to review what was in the notebook. While he’s playing teacher, I’m trying to follow along with the 5 other students.
“Mr. Joseph did XYZ with us like this. This is called XYZ. We hold the violin like this. We hold the bow like this. Bow is XYZ in French. We learned A, B, C notes and we call them La, Si, and Do in French.”
Everything Mr. Ring Leader said all coming back to me and it doesn’t help that he keeps saying “Mr. Joseph” in practically every sentence. I swear in that moment, I could hear my dad laughing at me for how terrible I was handling this whole “class” situation. After a while of his teaching, I found myself asking questions and having them all demonstrate everything Mr. Ring Leader talked about. The review was much needed not just for them, but more so for me. When the class was over, everyone gave me a big hug and told me “see you next class!” Like a deer in headlights, I was like “wait what????”
Sure enough, the next week… knock, knock, knock, knock, knock
There they were… All 6 of them, violin cases in hand waiting for class. This time, I was ready even though I doubted myself. I had nothing to worry about because every time I fumbled or fell, Mr. Ring Leader was right there to catch me. And that’s how it all started….. With Gabriel, my persistent 3rdgrade violin “Ring Leader” student who would not take NO for an answer. His guidance, vocabulary lessons, consistent references to past lessons with Mr. Joseph and belief in me is why I can stand in front of any group and TEACH. As a child of two very well-known teachers, it was easy for me to be complacent in my role as “assistant” because it never occurred to me that one day, they would no longer be around to lead the way anymore.
Almost three years later, I still struggle with this role of “leadership” that I’ve inherited. Do I still doubt myself sometimes? Absolutely…. Do I make mistakes? Almost on a daily basis.. Do I compare myself to my parents when I feel like I’m lacking? Of course because they were best in their fields… But when I feel like I’m about to stumble or fall, I always think of Gabriel and that gives me strength to find a way back up on my feet again. You don’t become great overnight and you can’t compare yourself to anyone either. Everyone has different strengths and weaknesses. Discovering them, whether by force or willingly, is what makes life interesting.
That being said, I’m still discovering what I’m capable of…. I know I can lead a school IN HAITI, teach violin and various other school subjects, and find ways to spend time with close friends and family even though I live abroad. My current adventure at the moment… Motherhood. I couldn’t think of a better homage to both Gabriel and my father than naming my baby girl Gabrielle. After 42 hours of labor in an island-style, no meds birth, she’s already shown me that I’m much stronger than I could ever imagine. My beautiful, unexpected and tenacious little messenger from above who will inspire me to reach even greater heights. Welcome to the Joseph madness, little one… <3
